I knew I was really a woman (The Express)
I knew I was really a woman
PAULA BATTERS reports Lynsay Watson knew from an early age she was different from the other children. She lived with her parents and younger sister at home until she was 16. She couldn’t form close friendships and was bullied at school. Mixing with both boys and girls was difficult because she did not know who to relate to. At the age of four, the youngster, who was born in 1967 in a small West Yorkshire village, moved to Scotland with her family. Her mother was Scottish and had maintained a close affinity with the country. The family moved to a small conservative fishing village, where Lynsay felt under even more pressure to keep her secret life to herself. Before she was 10, she began dressing up in secret and would hide items of her mother’s and sister’s clothing to try on. Lynsay said: “I came close to telling my mum on a number of occasions but simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. I thought they would be ashamed of what I had become. “I took things that were lying around the house, like the occasional nightie. I even experimented with make-up but I was terrified it would leave traces. “I never really got the chance to be my true self for more than a few hours at a time.” Lynsay kept her secret from the world as she started high school. She said: “As my body was changing I became totally depressed. My voice broke when I was about 13 years old and I started to grow very quickly. I still felt unable to express my true feelings, as deep down I knew what I was becoming was not socially acceptable. “I got more and more depressed and frustrated. I had friends but no-one really knew.” Lynsay was determined to follow a suitably masculine way of life. She thought the harder she tried to become the stereotypical macho male, the more chance she would have of real happiness. At 16, Lynsay left high school with six O-levels all at grades A and B and joined the army regiment, Royal Signals. Lynsay said: “I was angry with myself because I knew I wanted to be a woman. I thought the more masculine I behaved, the more manly I would become. “I gave it my all to beat every other man at the camp.” She established herself as regimental boxing champion and outclassed her colleagues in every way. She added: “I focused all my energies on beating my instructors. I outshot them all and I was the only one in my intake to qualify as a marksman.” By the time Lynsay began life as a recruit, she feared she was homosexual. But she said: “Being surrounded by men, all day every day confirmed to me that I wasn’t actually gay. I had never been able to get my head around having a relationship with a guy while I was equipped as a man. “I was so happy when I realised I wasn’t gay, but on the downside I didn’t know who or what I was. I perceived myself as an ordinary man and actually thought I was mentally retarded. “I continued to deny my true feelings for years.” After leaving the Army, she took a variety of positions ranging from post person to a clerical assistant in the Trading Standards Department. After leaving there, she opted for a career in the British Transport Police on the railways. “Looking back, it seems unbelievable now but I still wanted to get married, have kids. All I wanted was to be normal.” At this stage she was in extreme denial and on many occasions contemplated taking her own life. “My feelings were highly dangerous and shortly after joining the police I seriously considered suicide. “I didn’t think I could successfully turn myself into a real man. I resorted to trying to block it out completely and went into masculine overdrive.” Lynsay started attending the gym on a regular basis where she pushed herself through a series of punishing weightlifting exercises. She was 6ft tall, weighed slightly under 10 stone six pounds but within two years her weight increased to nearly 17 stone. She said: “I stopped eating and was drinking heavily every night. I did not recognise myself any more.” She entered the worst depression of her life. By now, she was living in rented accommodation in Dundee. Slowly she began putting her possessions in order in preparation for her own death. She said: “I was so depressed and skinny the other officers thought I had cancer.” By the age of 27, Lynsay’s weight again dropped dramatically to only 9st 6lbs. “I couldn’t wear the regulation trousers as my waist measurement dropped to only 26 inches. “I had to have my trousers specially tailored. I knew I couldn’t go on with my life.” The turning point came after Lynsay was assaulted by two drunks while trying to arrest them. Badly beaten and bruised she spent a night in hospital dwelling on her past and her future. She said: “I realised I had to do something fast. I’d let myself go to such an extent I couldn’t even defend myself. It dawned on me I was the only person who could help. “I wanted some semblance of a normal life.” After requesting a transfer to Kirkcaldy, Lynsay started back at work with the British Transport Police. She said: “I loved being a cop. I never really found it any trouble and I had the highest arrest rate in my division.” Lynsay briefly worked on the London Underground before moving to Dundee where she received a commendation for her high arrest rate. She said: “I wasn’t Mr Perfect but I certainly earned my wages. Some people are very focused and I found out later that most transsexuals are very high achievers. I never had any interest in promotion, though, as I don’t like bossing others around.” “I like the idea of helping the underdog. I feel very strongly about helping those who can’t help themselves. I like the idea of people turning to me for help and, looking back, I now know it enabled me to forget a lot of my own problems.” Lynsay sought professional help and plucked up the courage to see a psychiatrist. She said: “I still didn’t know about transsexualism. Although I saw articles in magazines, I didn’t relate them to me. People in the magazines were so stunning to look at that I thought transsexuals were born naturally beautiful. “I felt that I was a short, sad little guy who bore no resemblance to these pictures. I was very resentful but not once did it occur to me that I too could look like them.” After seeking professional help, Lynsay’s self-esteem and feeling of self-worth began to grow. She said: “The feeling of relief was immense. I felt that I was finally doing something positive and that at last I was being myself.” After starting a course of hormone and psychiatric treatment, Lynsay knew that she had no choice but to let her parents see her for what she truly was. She said: ” When I told them I was nervous, and they were horrified, of course. “They felt like they had lost a son, but what they didn’t realise was they had not lost the child.” A few months into her treatment her confidence and happiness slowly began to increase. But she became haunted by certain aspects of her former double life. By this time she had accumulated a range of women’s clothing which she wore at home in the evening. Before coming to terms with her true self, Lynsay had three one-night stands with women friends. She said: “It was very difficult when I was being intimate to lie next to a body that I really envied and thought that I should be the same. “My own body image totally disgusted me, although I had a physique most men would give their right arm for. “Ladies whom I went with remarked on how gentle my love-making was. I had always liked females which confused me even further. When I thought I was gay, I assumed that I would automatically fancy men. “The idea of lying next to a man repulsed me. I only slept with girls because I thought it was the correct thing to do. “Now I have crossed over I no longer feel it necessary and now find men desirable.” Lynsay has still not undergone the necessary surgery for her to become a fully-fledged female and has not yet been with a man sexually. She said: “Once I have finished treatment I know I will have a normal life as a female and I am greatly looking forward to it. “Already, I have had a lot of attention from men, some of whom have found my transsexuality appealing.” Before Lynsay was sacked she had made plans to undergo the necessary surgery privately. Now she will have to wait up to six years to have the operation done on the National Health. She said: “I was so close and to have it taken away from me by prejudiced people has left me very bitter. “It has taken away a lot of my youth. If it was not for sacking me I would now be enjoying a normal sex life. “You are only young once and I have missed out on so much through my own ignorance, never mind other people’s.” Despite her disappointments, she is still determined to build a new life for herself - and hopefully settle down with a family. Lynsay said: “I think, once I find myself in a stable relationship, it would be logical if I could offer a good family life to children without parents. “I have a lot of love to give but I know right now that if I was to adopt children they would suffer because of what I am. “I have to put the interests of the children first but I am confident that later in life I will have children of my own.” Despite the trauma of recent years, Lynsay is confident she took the right decision. She said: “I would do the same thing a million times over if I had to. My only regret is that I did not know about my condition years ago. “I would say that now I am a stronger person because I have suffered such a baptism of fire. “I am now reconciled with my family and they know more than anyone that I have found my true self and that I am now happier than I have ever been.” Copyright © 1998, Express Newspapers See alsoL Sacked … and abandoned by her union |
