Out of the Shadows (Pink Paper)
Out Of The ShadowsWhen the Authorities told Krystyna she could wait 15 years for vital sex change surgery, the gutsy charity worker pledged to change their minds. Now, on the brink of surgery, we tell her story… Krystyna Haywood’s tooth and nail fight for life-changing surgery is about to reach its conclusion. By the time you read this she will be making last minute preparations before undergoing the vital gender reassignment surgery she fought so hard to get. Her battle has not only catapulted her onto the news pages, but has also taken its toll on her personal life as her ferocious will and desire to be herself took all her spare time. And unsurprisingly, the wait for surgery has brought its own problems for the 32 year old single girl. “The testosterone has been kicking back in again over the past couple of weeks,” she tells me shortly after I arrive at her Sheffield flat. “I had to stop taking female hormones six weeks before the surgery because of the risk of getting thrombosis. It’s like going through puberty again, my skin feels greasy and little willy down there is popping up to say hello again which hasn’t happened in a long time.” This latest chapter in Haywood’s crusade to become a woman is at least a temporary set-back and after her high profile battles with Sheffield Health Authority over the past two years, to actually get the operation in the first place it pales into significance. “I applied for the treatment in 1999 after living as a woman for about three years. Several months passed and I decided to phone Seffield Health to find out where I was with it,” recalls Haywood. “I was told I was 15th on the waiting list and that they only funded one operation a year. I realised then I would have to wait 15 years.” The horrific news was a shellshock. “I wanted to burst out crying. I was extremely depressed by it. Now, one of two things could have happened. I could have got more depressed and ended it there and then, but instead I got angry and decided to get even and sent out a press release to all the media.” Within five minutes of sending out the release, the media machine lurched into action and the phone began burning white hot. Her story was subsequently splashed across local and national TV, radio and newspapers. At the same time Haywood began to appeal against the decision with the help of the Community Health Council and support of transgender rights group, Press for Change. “It was the media interest, which really embarrassed Sheffield Health, which contributed to the change of mind,” she suggests. “eventually back in June this year, they agreed to fund £20,000 to begin to clear the backlog. I regret that I had to go to the media in the first place, it is not an avenue that anyone should have to go down, but I had no other option. If I hadn’t I would still be waiting, which is disgusting.” Although for Haywood this was her own personal campaign, her campaign work has also benefited other transgendered people in the area with Sheffield Health agreeing to take on seven new cases a year. Within the next few years they will have cleared their assessment backlog. “A lot of trans people have said to me that because of what I’ve done, I’ve paved the way for the other trans people after me. Having said that to me I just did what I had to do, and I had to stand up and fight. I had to get on with it and deal with it, because I wasn’t going to take this shit, why should I?,” explains Haywood. “I don’t take any credit because there were a lot of people behind me being supportive, including Christine Burns of Press for Change and other prominent trans campaigners. Society at large has not been so helpful. Krystyna liked to think of herself as the first trans editor of a popular gay listings magazine in Sheffield - but the paper went bust after advertisers protested at her coverage of trans and lesbian issues. But with her surgery now imminent, the fact that the treatment she has fought for so long to get is finally going to happen is only just sinking in. “It’s a big step, but I just plod on and I’m only slightly nervous. In my mind I know this is the right thing to do because I’ve been preparing for this for a long time,” says Haywood. “it is a shock to realise I’m going to have an opening rather than this thing that has been hanging outside of me, and that I’ll be able to have a normal sexual relationship with a man as a woman. I can’t believe that it’s actually going to happen.” Haywood has known she was trans since she was a child and while unable to pinpoint exactly when everything clicked into place, she recalls several situations that did raise questions. “I remember when I was at the partial hearing unit, because I am partially deaf, which had shared toilets, I suppose it didn’t matter because we were only about five or six at the time and the girls went in the cubicles. Anyway, one of the girls decided to use the urinal. I left the toilet, I couldn’t cope with it,” she recollects. “I went and got the teacher, I just did not know how to handle the situation. I was actually jealous and I knew then that the girls had something completely different to what boys had. It was a shock to me that I hadn’t seen one of those before and why did I have this thing that was hanging out? There were lots of little moments like that one.” Despite realising at such a young age, Haywood kept her feelings secret for years. “I knew it wasn’t normal to be transsexual, just like it wasn’t normal to be gay, it wasn’t expected so you just didn’t talk about it. It is that simple and that’s how society was back then,” she explains. “So I carried on developing as a lad, but I knew deep down inside that I should be a girl. I would go to bed and I’d pray that I would wake up the next morning as a girl and for it to not matter to the rest of the world because they would see me as a girl. Sometimes, I cried myself to sleep at night.” The first time Haywood realised that gender reassignment surgery existed was after watching, in her earlier teens, a film called Dog Day Afternoon which told the story of a bank robber who had a partner who underwent a sex change. “I remember watching that scene and learning about having a sex change and thinking that it made sense. I was fascinated by this film and the day after seeing it I went to school, and I can’t believe how naive I was, and actually said to a friend who was walking past: ’Hey, did you see that film last night? Did you know people can have sex changes?’ And he just looked at me and went ’yeah, yeah…alright’ and carried on walking straight past,” recalls Haywood. “That was the first time I had said anything and it was such a release, but it was also so embarrassing. All my schoolmates knew you could have sex changes but how dare I say anything, ’you alright? what’s wrong with you?’ that kind of thing.” Eventually in 1988, at the age of 20, Haywood decided to tell friends and colleagues of her feelings about her gender identity and shortly afterwards sought medical help for the first time. Over a decade later Haywood is ready for the change her operation will bring, but is clear that while this may seem like a massive step it is only part of the process. “Some trans-people aim for the operation and it is the be all and end all, but for the last few years I have concentrated on my life, because I need to have as successful a life as possible. So this operation isn’t the solution to everything, and it won’t solve all my problems,” she admits. “Yet many trans-people make the mistake of thinking that the operation will solve all their problems and that’s it, new life, new change and all this. But I’m coming back to this flat afterwards, I’ve got my bills to pay, I’ve got a job to get back to and things like that. That is the emphasis I try to place in my life. Once the surgery is done I need to think about getting on with my life and getting my life settled.” And she already has several ideas knocking around. “I’ve missed out on so many things while I’ve been dealing with my problems. I would like to go to and study law or maybe social work and I would like to write a book about my life before the operation,” she explains. “I used to be a rock climber when I was younger, and it has taken me the last five years to deal with my gender change but I would still like to climb Everest. And now that I’ve climbed my own internal mountain, my next goal in life is to climb the real one.” The courage it has taken Krystyna to reveal her innermost secrets in a bid to right the injustice of a system crippled with bureaucracy shows you what real determination is. She has already reached base camp with her personal victory, but as she lies today in her hospital bed, knowing she will awaken a woman, one has the feeling she is destined to make that summit she is striving for. Written by Tristan Donovan Copyright © Pink Paper 2000 |